Dear Dodo,
Hi, it seems like an illusion when I even get the glimpse of penning down my emotions to you. But today my inner turmoil has break opened the prison of my heart and screamed louder to faint the what ifs that I have been carrying for so long. They call you my past, but I ask, do bonds break that easily with a few simple words? Don’t the residual feelings trigger the memories we had with each other? The dreams of a lifetime that we have seen through each other’s lenses will be now someone else’s to live. What about the small gestures of you sending me good morning, me sleeping with your good night? Over the years all those have become like the dose of my medicines without which my vitals don’t keep the pace stable.
Even if you live in my neighborhood, it feels like miles of distance spaced between us where a flicker of hope is all that has tied our thread. Millions of words with countless emotions run through my vein everyday but I could never gather the courage to stand infront of you. Still when a competition notification popped up on my instagram feed about writing a letter to my ex, I have gathered the courage to sketch down my side of the story although it will never reach you. Nevertheless with these, I hope to convey my message to the people out there who will read this and apparently will get some lessons behind it.
Something wrong which is done once unintentionally is a mistake, but when that same thing is repeated more than once even after being in your full senses is a sin to be perfectly termed. And with hands smeared in blood, I have become a sinner. Yes I strangled our relationship to death with my deeds. You did everything one can ask for in today’s world. I became the centre of your universe but who can save the relationship when the person in it herself puts an evil eye? I know if I confess this openly, lots of people will come forward to judge me but honestly now I have no regret for that because what I have done is unforgivable and any amount of apology will not compensate the pain I have caused you. A guy who used to take every step keeping my view point in mind didn’t deserve someone who was not loyal to him. Yes, I cheated on you. I started talking with someone when I was committed to you. And when that person has gradually become the part and parcel of my life, is beyond my realisation. I left you stating the reason of our frequent fights, but my soul knew the true reason for whatever I was doing. I lied to you, I lied to the world but how can I lie the inner me who is trying from so long to escape from the guilt I have put myself into. From the day one, I knew that I am making a terrible mistake and I will have to pay for it, and see karma really comes into play. It’s not like I am not happy with the person I am with now, I genuinely feel for him but karma has some other plans for me. I am getting my share of the punishment by fighting the inner battle between the accountability of my actions and the survival instinct which is deep rooted inside. Probably the guilt has caged me so tightly that it will forever be my prison and serve me for the crime I have committed. It’s your goodness that makes me question everyday that how can I do this to someone like you. I don’t need any external force to punch me on the face, my conscience is enough to make me suffer for the rest of my life.
Loyalty is a luxury in today’s generation and you made me so rich with your blind faith. But I couldn’t keep it. If you allow me for once to speak to you, I will share everything that’s storming my brain. I will confess the smallest of details that I did to you. May be in that way my sin will be reduced a bit. But then again I think it will be very selfish on my part to impose a lifetime of trauma on you by letting you know all these just to lighten my heart. After that probably you won’t be able to trust anyone like before in your life and I absolutely have no right of doing that to you. I can’t take that peace away from you.
If I could travel back in time, I would try heart and soul to save the bond we had even if it is the one which was there before our relationship started. We had been best friends for five long years before going to the next step. The fun we had in those years can’t be matched. Those scooty rides, those late night calls, those trips, those lame jokes of mine which you tolerated and then later made fun of that, those exploring of any new places in the town that got inaugurated, I want to bring back that innocence in our bond again. But alas! it’s not a video game where you will have the chance to revive again, it’s real life where once if some scratches make spot, can never be erased.
I know I am no one for you now and I very well deserve it, but I just want to share that you will always be my bestest friend who puts meaning to my life. And I don’t know what people think or believe but from my experience I want to admit that the saying ‘once a cheater is always a cheater’ is not true in every case. I have learnt from my mistakes and promised myself to never repeat it again. Otherwise I won’t be able to stand infront of the mirror and face myself again for a single moment, keep aside living the entire life. I truly love the guy I am with now and I got abundant of chances here also to get inclined to others who are showing efforts and are interested in me, but what kind of humanity I would have if I claim to feel guilty and still go on repeating the old pattern. I have realised that there will always be someone better out there than your partner, but it’s your love and commitment which make you choose each other every day.
I have made peace with the fact that nothing can be like before between us ever again but I will pray as long as I live that the waves of my suffering reaches you and you can forgive me someday. I will keep praying because after all ‘hope’ is the driving force who keeps everyone breathing.
Lastly I would like to dedicate the brightest star of my fate to you so that it reforms as the shooting star one day and fulfils all your wishes that I couldn’t.
Yours,
Barshita.